Meanwhile Back at Work…

Still recovering from pain pills and surgery but I’m back in full swing at work :)  WooHoo!  LoL

I am severely tired but somehow how ready to get the show on the road.  I feel like now since I won’t be getting knocked up anymore, the world is my oyster LOL.

I’m ready to start a work out routine and continue working on our exit plan!  (which should be interesting since the hubs cannot obtain a passport due to the balance of child support.)  They deduct 55% of his check automatically but he is barred from receiving a passport.  Yea, that’s our constitution being trampled upon. What if his father in Nigeria had an emergency?!  Just wow.

Anyhoo…I think I’d rather blog anonymously, I would be much more open and free to share without having to consider any other factors…like will my brutal honesty and overall disdain for our culture bring hatred upon my family, etc.  Ya know.

So, here’s to transparency! :)

 

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Life’s a BITCH

I’m sayin…it’ true! And it’s the status on my new Tango account Israel made me open, which is like facebook for your closest peeps…(in my case ‘peep’).

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the beauty of this blog is that NO ONE reads it LOL.  I don’t have to worry about ‘offending’ my good Christian friends or looking stupid to anyone.  I CAN BE ME

And today this is how I feel.  Call me bipolar if you want, whatever.

At any rate, I still want to get myself straight and do my job here on this earth til I can be home.  I don’t know what that job is…but I’m just going to focus more on seeking and loving Him and teaching my babies (and anyone else I have the change to share with) about God love, His character and His plan.

We had a late night, family Bible study the night before last. I chuckle to myself because the kids always roll their eyes and sigh a million times; they’d rather be doing ANYTHING else.  I had such an awful day that I forced us into it.  I’m going to FORCE us into these Bible studies more often!  I’m going to make a three time/week goal for now but my long term goal is daily.

I know I’m PMSing because I bought a can of sour cream and onion Pringles and a ‘box’ of chewy, peanut butter cup, Chips Ahoy yesterday and binged. After I finished about half of each I left them and the kids devoured the remainders after they finished their stuff.  Soooo healthy lol.

Gotta get back on the phone…at work :(  Still thankful to have this job tho :)

A New Day

I am wide awake!

It’s been one year since I moved to Oklahoma City.  When I brought the kids back from North Carolina in January 2014, I felt God leading me to move here but as I often do, I resisted, disobeyed.  Finally, after several supernaturally obvious events pointed glaringly at my defiance, I relented and we moved to OKC.  (Can I just stop and say what a waste of energy, time and money it is to disobey God!!!)  At any rate, we’ve been here a couple weeks over a year.  Time has literally FLOWN by!

I remember when God pressed upon me to move here, I wondered why.  I absolutely disliked the idea because it was farther away from my family and we knew no one, I loathed the unfamiliarity of the idea.  As usually happens when God directs, I could not fathom the reasoning behind the instruction.  I always tell myself I will begin obeying without hesitation like a GOOD soldier, or child even but thus far I have remained stubborn.  I hope I change this because this habit could lead to trouble or even death.

When Israel’s brother was murdered in Tulsa, one possible reason for the move was obvious.

So here we have been for a year.

I have been telling my aunt, in whom I confide nearly everything, God is leading me to move to Israel (the country) AS SOON AS Israel (the husband) gets his ankle monitor off.  Now, blame it on my childhood but I possess this weird capability of literally allowing my self to live in AND operate out of denial without ever reaching awareness that I am, in fact, IN DENIAL.  So here recently when I could no longer shut out His voice in procrastination, I whined to my aunt that I felt God was asking us to move soon.  (Secret: I did this because in my whole life she is normally the one who tells me to NOT act quickly on something, and that maybe God’s timing is YEARS away.  In this instance, I longed for a similar reaction to help soothe my guilty conscience.) However, she replied to my whining that I had been telling her this same thing for over a year.  My mouth dropped, instantly I knew it to be true, yet somehow I had hidden the truth from my heart.  Insane!

So here I sit, just having decided to stop the college work, completely to my disapproval LoL; pondering how this will all play out in such a short amount of time.

I know I need only to seek His face and follow His lead; doing what I know to do instead of what I feel to do is always so difficult!

Lord, thank you for loving me and choosing us as your children, allowing us the honor of having a role to play in your Kingdom; thank you for your will being done in our lives and the lives of our loved ones, family and friends!  Please draw all of us nearer to you, into an intimate relationship of love and obedience and forgive our trespasses against you and others!

And Father, especially please forgive my pride and stubborness, which is the same as witchcraft; forgive me for seeking my own desires and motives in this life…

Let this be a new day for my heart and my will, submitted to my Lord and Savior, Jesus!

“Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.”  – Psalm 51:10

I Can’t Do It

I thought I could.

 

Lord please show me if I am wrong in my understanding!  But right now, I can’t go around to others and say that I am blessed because my family’s house didn’t get torn in half, devastated.  To me, that statement implies that the people who did lose their houses and belongings, even their lives, were not, in fact, blessed by God.  Who am I to pass such judgement?! No, I just can’t.

 

Another thing I can’t do: complete this degree.  Primarily because my student loan, which I pay faithfully every month with an auto draft, snatched away over $2000 of my tax refund and it pissed me off royally, I enrolled, yet again, in my last four classes.  I’m set to complete this degree THIS semester.  BUT I have both felt and ignored (many times) God urging me to stop being stubborn and adding another attention stealer to the equation that is life.  I just excused my willful disobedience by labeling it harmless OCD/ADHD or a culturally condoned righteous advancement in my education and/or career…and I proceeded.  I feel like I need this degree to be completed because I worked on it for so long, I feel I must have it under my belt for my career with AAA.   HA! Okay.  Pride goeth before the fall, right?

 

I may not know exactly how, when and why but I know it’s a wrap and I am heading out to Israel.  I ask you, Father, to take the money for the rent and take the rest for whatever you want. Hmm…interesting…I had meant to pray over the food.  I only intended to say how I have been worried/depressed of late due to the time crunch before the moving target date.  No, not a problem at all! Pick up how many of us and throw them in? ??!??!!

 

All the underlined part was me typing while falling asleep and I have no CLUE what I was talking about…maybe it’s prophetic? LoL

 

Get ready…

…for now, Goodnite.

The Line

While I’m certain there’s a line between maintaining an “open door” policy for my children and permitting them to complain about and play one parent against the other, I’m NOT certain I know where the line should be drawn.

I want my children to feel heard, understood and protected and so I value the importance of expressing their thoughts, feelings and concerns. I do not want my children to begin a habit of verbally bashing or ‘snitching’ on their father.  And so I’ve a dilemma.

I listen with an open mind and heart, determining not to become biased, welcoming the opportunity to unite our different pieces and make a healthy, whole family.

Long story short, later the details of my child’s complaint rise up in my heart against my husband and I become angry. UGH!  Where’d that come from?!

So, my question to you…where’s the safest place to draw the line?

 

Reality

Naively, I hung all my hopes on my husband’s return. I thought every child would immediately straighten up and fly straight. LOL  I pictured only the long, passionate embraces and cuddling at night and completely abandoned any references to reality.

Here it is. Reality. The truth.

The truth is one more person was added to the number of people for which I must care and consider. The truth is our children are attempting to suppress the automatic resentment of answering to another parent. The truth is my husband, though extremely helpful, handsome and handy, is HUMAN!

And so we begin our adjustment period.

Lord, forgive my actions, words and thoughts which have neither edified others nor brought you glory. Forgive me for seeking a savior in my husband. Please forgive me for placing Israel on a pedestal while trying to knock him off.

Father help me focus on living for, loving and serving you because only in doing this can I love my family beyond my capability.

It Might Be A New Year But It’s Still The Same Ole Shit

I don’t know how much longer I can make it.  Only God’s grace keeps me sane.  The thought of being locked away in a mental institution, tucked securely in seclusion appeals overwhelmingly to my every sense.

I am weak. I need help. I cannot do this anymore. I know I’m right at the edge of his returning and helping but what will change?  Will this hell ever end?  How can the actions and words of one child adversely affect my mental state so severely?  What’s wrong with me that instead of overcoming the emotions and thoughts tearing at my soul, I am overwhelmed?  How can I hold onto my sanity?

I hardly ever cry.  What’s the point in crying when the presence of tears in such tumultuous circumstances change nothing and collect every insult and disdain.  I do not need others telling me I am weak.  I know it to be true.

I keep repeating myself: Weed is illegal, I quit; smoking is unhealthy, I quit; prescription medication puts me to sleep, I quit; drinking does not help and I hate alcohol.

I long to quit the stress, the mental anguish, the disrespect, the disobedience…

How be any help or example to him when I hate his actions and words?

How can I be patient with him when the force of his self destruction plows through my soul, rendering my intellect and compassion dead.

God, you alone can save this family and our individual souls.

Grateful to serve a miracle working God!