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fragile babble

Warning: the following is a vent session. You’re welcome.

It took a bit longer to ‘recover’ from the depression. LoL

So here I sit, tired, exhausted, defeated, humbled, quiet, still. And maybe that’s all He wants…

Today’s not the day for me to be philosophizing (sp lol).  Anyway, ever since I got ‘fixed,’ I’m rarely blessed with my monthly friend but when it hits…it’s like a freight train and I SWEAR these past two times (over the past 4-6 months) have left me extremely frightened for my mental state…until I realized what the problem was…then it all made sense.  I say that to say…I’m not crazy and it feels pretty damn great to know that LMAO. I was about to check myself into vacay with padded walls LoL.

Ok, still, because I’m of a fragile state of mind (almost like when I was pregnant) it’s not time for me to reflect and think too deeply so I’ll keep this entirely-too-public-journal shallow. No-one reads it, so what’s the point in making it private LOL

*****Shallow*****

I never re-read my previous entries before posting a new one because I want to write from a ‘fresh’ perspective.

So, having said that, I may repeat previously disclosed info due to memory issues…if I do, my bad.

I started my dream job the end of January after a few long, grueling, and entirely non-productive months of applications, follow-up calls, consistent attempts to obtain gainful, long-term employment. I particularly applied at the local homeless shelters and ministries FIRST and finally resorted to applying for positions in my field as an adjuster.  I quite literally NEVER received a call from ANY employer including fast food after I put in 100+ apps! I realized God may be closing EVERY door as I always pray if it’s not His will.

I wondered if I was even supposed to work. I thought maybe Israel was going to work but Lord knows I’d rather not be a stay-at-home mom.  There are too many of them (kids)LoL I give MAJOR props to Jessica T and the moms who are patient and loving full-time mommies!

I had my time and loved it! I loved spending all day in the kitchen cooking and cleaning (because that’s really what the job mostly entailed). Really, I loved being with them, I loved my routine. This was possibly 2008-09 while in ministry for a couple years and Dani was our nanny. Same time period when we visited Disneyland!

My point is…I do not want to stay home now!  I will NOT lie I’m very fragile in my old(er) age LoL. kidding, not kidding. So, I like to go to work plus I can generally make more $ than him plus he’s way more patient with the kids PLUS they’ll be in school soon.

I applied for this ‘dream’ job, got an email the next day, was scheduled for an interview a few days later and onto the second after passing the first. I was hired.  It all happened so fast.  It had to be God, right?!

So, after the initial shock of getting the job, having nightmares I lose it, yes I still suffer from PTSD from (most recently) the desert, long-term from life…

Depression sets in again whereas it’d lightened up (I thought it’d gone) with the new job. Now it gets crucial because being sick (severe colds leading to sinus infection) combined with personal training everyday (which is a blessing), combined with depression…eventually it all fades and is lost. That vicious cycle.  Finally, not only am I not going in early for the gym daily,  now I’m not even interested in getting up for work.  I begin waking up later and later. I am late for work one day – my job does NOT play that and so I am messing up my future with this amazing company.

Dealing with mental issues is NOT fun but thankfully, I’m trained enough to perceive the symptoms and warning signs then accurately analyze my current state of being…and to consider my options.

One: Keep not giving a shit until I’m fired.

Two: OVERCOME this depression NOW utilizing the power of God and the wealth of knowledge within

Three: Check myself into a padded room and take a vacay and hopefully have a job to which I can return. (This sounded like the BEST option until I remembered I’m in training and this wouldn’t work LoL)

I went for it…overcome depression.  Now you’re likely rolling your eyes or laughing…me, too! I wish it were really so easy for everyone. Still, I’m determined to begin somewhere…if I need counseling, ok. Personally, I probably won’t let them medicate any of us again, because while we may have been a lot calmer, we slept for about 2 months when we tried meds once?!

I chose option 2 yesterday after I realized I wasn’t having an ‘episode’ only PMSing.

I’ll let you know how it works…but I’m trained so I can follow the steps while rolling my own eyes and gritting my teeth.  It’s better than allowing this demonic depression/oppression whatEVER it is…to continue to have a death-grip on my soul, my dreams, my breath, my LIFE.

No MORE…this pain, regret, bitterness, GRIEF

And, lately, I’ve been allowing myself to think, again, about my calling. I’m grieving the loss of what I thought was supposed to happen after the internship though I know His Word says His “gifts and callings are irrevocable.” My calling is to help establish 24/7 prayer houses all over the world. What does this mean? Help in what way? Where do I start? When is the kairos moment? Should I re-write my letter after all these years?

I’ve been feeling so out of place as an adjuster! I feel out of place with my life! Is it just the depression symptoms or is God trying to get my attention? Is it just the PMS? Do I just need more iron, water, or sleep???

On that note, for the record, I’ve been experiencing pretty significant anxiety for several months. Again, I assume it’s like PTSD, etc. but definitely not interested in going for an eval anytime soon. It takes so much time to build up rapport and trust with a therapist, if a genuine one can even be found!

Only God knows what I need…only He can supply what I need and direct me to what I truly need when even I know not.

…Holy Spirit, thank you for revealing the ‘hidden things’ and the ‘mysteries of God’ as I seek Him, devour His Word, and love others, (and please HELP me to love others when negative emotions come so much more easily of late) in Jesus’ name, Amen!

Unbelievable

It’s the music… I haven’t even had one drink.

First, Sarah McLachlan, ‘Fallen,’ followed by Cranberries, ‘Disappointment,’ and next I’ll probably play some Counting Crows.

I felt like writing, opened my blog to see the most painful picture in the world.  I name it the same and realize ‘Disappointment’ is fittingly bellowing out of my speakers.

I gave everything…was it all a waste of time…why are these so perfect LoL it’s a setup!

Anyway, I am recovering from the depression as I have a new career and can actually begin to put some of what I’m feeling into words though my understanding is far from where I’d like it to be.

So, I’m on “Rain King” and feeling pretty emo.  I need a drink.

“Round here…we don’t look the same.”

No, I think the depression is just distracted by shiny, new buildings. Beautiful, life-changing, game-changing buildings.  I sit, head in hands.  I am not impressed.

“Fasten your seatbelt” the commercial on youtube blares. LoL IKR!!!!

So, I probably won’t even post this bipolar blog entry but either way:

 

God,

This is between me and you.  I still love and adore you regardless, you hold my heart.

But um…who dropped the ball?! Was it me??? Israel?? Patrick?! Geneva?

Why?!?!??!??!?!??!?!??!?!??!?!??!?!??!?  UGH (sigh and cry)

I know I heard you a million times as you confirmed the internship.  The entire time right up to the end (stranded in the desert) I was right there with you, didn’t miss a step.  WHAT HAPPENED?!

I hate to even type this, the tightness warms my nose immediately and I fight back tears because my husband and oldest son sit nearby.  I am finally journaling which is probably healthy but my emotions are RAW.

I thought it would take awhile for me to process everything that transpired in my life since April 9? Azusa Now.

The bitterness takes my breath away at times and I immediately shut down my mind.  I know better than to attempt blame whether outward or inward.  If I allow myself to be still long enough I feel I am still right in the middle of your will.

It doesn’t make sense.

Maybe it never will.

Father, help me to accept that you are good and omniscient! I truly know that you are but I feel if I comprehended it fully then I wouldn’t be heartbroken now.  I would not fear that I missed my calling, my destiny.  I would rest in the fact that your Word says your “gifts and callings are irrevocable.”  You Word is true.

So now I have the best career in the world, next to ministry.  That’s just it…it’s the NEXT best thing to me.  Nevertheless, I will focus and do by best to excel at a career I genuinely enjoy.

I am thankful.

I am confused.

Will we move to Israel?  Will I help establish prayer houses all over the earth?  Has God passed my assignment to someone else?

I am broken but not crushed.

#NeverGiveUp

Be blessed! And since y’all have no idea what I’m talking about I will catch you up on these past few months of roller coaster existence.  (Not that I have any readers LoL)

Surfing in Shifting Tide

The title is definitely an accurate portrayal of my mixed thoughts, feelings, and emotions of late.

Sidetrack:  My writing/vocab skills are increasingly declining…and fast!  I need to read more because it helps sharpen my brain. UGH!

Anyhoo…I’ve been back on my RV idea of late.  It’s purely logical.  A giant bi-racial family: one peep with felonies, two peeps with bad credit, three peeps with dogs, four peeps underage, five peeps super loud, six peeps total = no landlord wants us :(  Let’s keep it real.  If Israel had not been locked up when the old man rented me the cheap, shelter-less, appliance-less house we’re in now, I would have been denied.

Ultimately, we continue to seek God’s direction and will do as He directs which may include an ‘invisible’ option but for now…

 

Here are the visible options and their respective pros and cons:

 

1.  Stay where we are

– in the one house that hasn’t been hit YET in our neighborhood

– in a town full of drugs, crawling with creepy meth heads (although to be fair, I have seen these ghoulish people while traveling and living in various places across the nation, these peeps may be everywhere)

– in a neighborhood where the manager of a fast food restaurant across the street was just robbed and stabbed several times

– in a house where we have to find creative ways to cook because when the landlord ‘fixed’ my 1964 built into the wall oven and built into the counter range, gas leaked everywhere (despite his claims the house was safe, I called the gas company and have had the gas to the range and oven shut off)

I haven’t asked the landlord to fix anything since!

– the only upside to this option, the HUGE upside to this: we are already here = no applications = no denials = no hassle of moving

 

2. Move to Israel

–  for many obvious reasons this is a ‘only if God says so,’ (cost, distance from family, hassle of moving a family overseas, language, etc.)

 

3. Move to Colorado

– now this is my favorite! I loved living in Colorado (and weed wasn’t even recreation-ally legal then)

– I can transfer my job

– I can volunteer at my prayer house (EHC)

– beautiful scenery

– it’s a healthier environment and CLEAN

– IT’S NOT OKLAHOMA but it’s not a world away from the fam either

 

4. RV living (far fetched but exciting, my 2nd favorite option)

– no apps, no denials, no landlords

– we own our home :)

– ROADTRIPS

– prayer house ministry trips!

– off the grid capable if we feel so inclined

 

Well, that’s my rant for now LoL. Back to work…more later.

Peace

My Prayer

It just feels awkward.

This in between transitional phase of living.

Soon, I pray, I will be at peace with the direction my life is taking.  I knew when while homeless and ministering in Colorado that I was supposed to be “full-time ministry” status ever after.

I knew when I moved to Tulsa the Holy Spirit told me to relocate to Oklahoma City.

I knew when I moved to OKC that I was supposed to live by faith and serve in ministry with my family.

I heard VERY clearly when I applied for Sprint, again when I got the job, again when I got the AAA job that I was being “allowed” to work for a time and that ministry was always my “full-time” work.

I knew better than to become distracted by life and money.

Still, I work, full-time, at a wonderful company, earning double my previous salary.

I fell into a career and I knew every step of this way that this was not God’s best for me, this was not His will.

All my life I feel like I’ve failed…family, my children, others, and myself.  Now, I have a respectable career and income, I have ‘most’ of my children back, I think I finally have their respect.

Maybe not though.  I might never be able to earn the kudos of men.  (sorry to disappoint everyone so concerned).

Following the Lord often looks CRAZY to those around us.  At least I had a little pretend ‘normal’ in this phase.

Nonetheless, I am excited to follow Christ at ANY cost…ANY time.

…my prayer…

Send me, Lord!

I walked in your will during my time of homelessness in Colorado Springs for that season of my life. I am out of your will, settled into this career and ‘normal’ family life.  I will give it all up; I will walk away from everything and everyone again if you so desired.  I would rip my beating heart out of my chest and crush it for your greater plan if necessary.

YOUR WILL NOT MY OWN

Wherever this next step leads me, I know myself and my family are safe in your hands through our obedience!

We WILL serve you regardless of cost.  Help my children understand serving your is the POINT of living.

I pray we all serve you together. I pray we are not separated again.  Nevertheless your will be done, Father!

Big Changes Coming

I’ve known for a while change was coming, BIG change…and quickly.

Over the past dozen years or so, I’ve learned not to take a tidbit God gives me and assume ANYTHING! I’ve learned this the hard way, by prematurely jumping to many, sometimes heartbreaking, conclusions.

Having said that, I still jump to conclusion in my mind and simply refrain from allowing my heart to follow. This way, I can satisfy my driving need to connect the dots while refraining from becoming attached to outcomes I’ve pieced together. It may not make much sense to others but this strategy works well for me J

So, I heard God telling me “Israel” back in the summer of 2013 and although I’d never had ANY desire to even visit, I accepted. I assumed that would be our next move. I thought I’d missed the “RV” opportunity he’d also whispered to me in 2013.

BUT NOW…

RV has been coming at me from everywhere and bearing more witness within my spirit. Now this I can REALLY get excited about because I would LOVE IT!!!! I am MADE for road trips; traveling is IN MY BLOOD!

I dutifully ignored the first few ‘signs’ accompanied with fluttering in my heart/spirit that came semi-recently regarding RV life. I know my personality and to avoid getting myself worked up, I know to note yet disregard first ‘signs’ and wait for concrete confirmations which follow if it’s God speaking to me. Like I said, I thought that ship had sailed last year and I effectively missed my opportunity. However, as He loves to do, He has been literally barraging me with confirmations.

Now I’m excited!

I always, ALWAYS said if I won the lotto I would do exactly as He asked. The majority of the money would go STRAIGHT to ministry! What an exciting JOY to be able to live out my calling, finally. Well, I’ve been living out His will mostly anyway but I can’t wait to get to the ‘FUN’ part! I’ve been in training SOOOOOO long LoL

So, I don’t know if I will actually win the lotto. God can make it rain money if He wants. I don’t know how or what will actually happen but I sure hope the RV thing is going down!

And God has been laying the plans for this ministry in my heart since 2008. I have His blueprints drawn in my spirit. I used to shoot straight upright in my bed during the middle of the night hearing his loud voice. I used to cry and pray and pray and cry and ask him “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?!” At that time he wanted me to cry and pray (intercession). That time period of intercession was grueling at times and left me exhausted but was well worth it. I have never felt so close to Him, so rewarded by His presences and love.

 

Rambles…

At any rate, in any capacity, what a pure pleasure and blessing to serve my King.

Lord, help me to be more like you, Jesus, always!

Meanwhile Back at Work…

Still recovering from pain pills and surgery but I’m back in full swing at work :)  WooHoo!  LoL

I am severely tired but somehow how ready to get the show on the road.  I feel like now since I won’t be getting knocked up anymore, the world is my oyster LOL.

I’m ready to start a work out routine and continue working on our exit plan!  (which should be interesting since the hubs cannot obtain a passport due to the balance of child support.)  They deduct 55% of his check automatically but he is barred from receiving a passport.  Yea, that’s our constitution being trampled upon. What if his father in Nigeria had an emergency?!  Just wow.

Anyhoo…I think I’d rather blog anonymously, I would be much more open and free to share without having to consider any other factors…like will my brutal honesty and overall disdain for our culture bring hatred upon my family, etc.  Ya know.

So, here’s to transparency! :)

 

Life’s a BITCH

I’m sayin…it’ true! And it’s the status on my new Tango account Israel made me open, which is like facebook for your closest peeps…(in my case ‘peep’).

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the beauty of this blog is that NO ONE reads it LOL.  I don’t have to worry about ‘offending’ my good Christian friends or looking stupid to anyone.  I CAN BE ME

And today this is how I feel.  Call me bipolar if you want, whatever.

At any rate, I still want to get myself straight and do my job here on this earth til I can be home.  I don’t know what that job is…but I’m just going to focus more on seeking and loving Him and teaching my babies (and anyone else I have the change to share with) about God love, His character and His plan.

We had a late night, family Bible study the night before last. I chuckle to myself because the kids always roll their eyes and sigh a million times; they’d rather be doing ANYTHING else.  I had such an awful day that I forced us into it.  I’m going to FORCE us into these Bible studies more often!  I’m going to make a three time/week goal for now but my long term goal is daily.

I know I’m PMSing because I bought a can of sour cream and onion Pringles and a ‘box’ of chewy, peanut butter cup, Chips Ahoy yesterday and binged. After I finished about half of each I left them and the kids devoured the remainders after they finished their stuff.  Soooo healthy lol.

Gotta get back on the phone…at work :(  Still thankful to have this job tho :)