Archive for February, 2017

fragile babble

Warning: the following is a vent session. You’re welcome.

It took a bit longer to ‘recover’ from the depression. LoL

So here I sit, tired, exhausted, defeated, humbled, quiet, still. And maybe that’s all He wants…

Today’s not the day for me to be philosophizing (sp lol).  Anyway, ever since I got ‘fixed,’ I’m rarely blessed with my monthly friend but when it hits…it’s like a freight train and I SWEAR these past two times (over the past 4-6 months) have left me extremely frightened for my mental state…until I realized what the problem was…then it all made sense.  I say that to say…I’m not crazy and it feels pretty damn great to know that LMAO. I was about to check myself into vacay with padded walls LoL.

Ok, still, because I’m of a fragile state of mind (almost like when I was pregnant) it’s not time for me to reflect and think too deeply so I’ll keep this entirely-too-public-journal shallow. No-one reads it, so what’s the point in making it private LOL

*****Shallow*****

I never re-read my previous entries before posting a new one because I want to write from a ‘fresh’ perspective.

So, having said that, I may repeat previously disclosed info due to memory issues…if I do, my bad.

I started my dream job the end of January after a few long, grueling, and entirely non-productive months of applications, follow-up calls, consistent attempts to obtain gainful, long-term employment. I particularly applied at the local homeless shelters and ministries FIRST and finally resorted to applying for positions in my field as an adjuster.  I quite literally NEVER received a call from ANY employer including fast food after I put in 100+ apps! I realized God may be closing EVERY door as I always pray if it’s not His will.

I wondered if I was even supposed to work. I thought maybe Israel was going to work but Lord knows I’d rather not be a stay-at-home mom.  There are too many of them (kids)LoL I give MAJOR props to Jessica T and the moms who are patient and loving full-time mommies!

I had my time and loved it! I loved spending all day in the kitchen cooking and cleaning (because that’s really what the job mostly entailed). Really, I loved being with them, I loved my routine. This was possibly 2008-09 while in ministry for a couple years and Dani was our nanny. Same time period when we visited Disneyland!

My point is…I do not want to stay home now!  I will NOT lie I’m very fragile in my old(er) age LoL. kidding, not kidding. So, I like to go to work plus I can generally make more $ than him plus he’s way more patient with the kids PLUS they’ll be in school soon.

I applied for this ‘dream’ job, got an email the next day, was scheduled for an interview a few days later and onto the second after passing the first. I was hired.  It all happened so fast.  It had to be God, right?!

So, after the initial shock of getting the job, having nightmares I lose it, yes I still suffer from PTSD from (most recently) the desert, long-term from life…

Depression sets in again whereas it’d lightened up (I thought it’d gone) with the new job. Now it gets crucial because being sick (severe colds leading to sinus infection) combined with personal training everyday (which is a blessing), combined with depression…eventually it all fades and is lost. That vicious cycle.  Finally, not only am I not going in early for the gym daily,  now I’m not even interested in getting up for work.  I begin waking up later and later. I am late for work one day – my job does NOT play that and so I am messing up my future with this amazing company.

Dealing with mental issues is NOT fun but thankfully, I’m trained enough to perceive the symptoms and warning signs then accurately analyze my current state of being…and to consider my options.

One: Keep not giving a shit until I’m fired.

Two: OVERCOME this depression NOW utilizing the power of God and the wealth of knowledge within

Three: Check myself into a padded room and take a vacay and hopefully have a job to which I can return. (This sounded like the BEST option until I remembered I’m in training and this wouldn’t work LoL)

I went for it…overcome depression.  Now you’re likely rolling your eyes or laughing…me, too! I wish it were really so easy for everyone. Still, I’m determined to begin somewhere…if I need counseling, ok. Personally, I probably won’t let them medicate any of us again, because while we may have been a lot calmer, we slept for about 2 months when we tried meds once?!

I chose option 2 yesterday after I realized I wasn’t having an ‘episode’ only PMSing.

I’ll let you know how it works…but I’m trained so I can follow the steps while rolling my own eyes and gritting my teeth.  It’s better than allowing this demonic depression/oppression whatEVER it is…to continue to have a death-grip on my soul, my dreams, my breath, my LIFE.

No MORE…this pain, regret, bitterness, GRIEF

And, lately, I’ve been allowing myself to think, again, about my calling. I’m grieving the loss of what I thought was supposed to happen after the internship though I know His Word says His “gifts and callings are irrevocable.” My calling is to help establish 24/7 prayer houses all over the world. What does this mean? Help in what way? Where do I start? When is the kairos moment? Should I re-write my letter after all these years?

I’ve been feeling so out of place as an adjuster! I feel out of place with my life! Is it just the depression symptoms or is God trying to get my attention? Is it just the PMS? Do I just need more iron, water, or sleep???

On that note, for the record, I’ve been experiencing pretty significant anxiety for several months. Again, I assume it’s like PTSD, etc. but definitely not interested in going for an eval anytime soon. It takes so much time to build up rapport and trust with a therapist, if a genuine one can even be found!

Only God knows what I need…only He can supply what I need and direct me to what I truly need when even I know not.

…Holy Spirit, thank you for revealing the ‘hidden things’ and the ‘mysteries of God’ as I seek Him, devour His Word, and love others, (and please HELP me to love others when negative emotions come so much more easily of late) in Jesus’ name, Amen!

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