Archive for January, 2017

Unbelievable

It’s the music… I haven’t even had one drink.

First, Sarah McLachlan, ‘Fallen,’ followed by Cranberries, ‘Disappointment,’ and next I’ll probably play some Counting Crows.

I felt like writing, opened my blog to see the most painful picture in the world.  I name it the same and realize ‘Disappointment’ is fittingly bellowing out of my speakers.

I gave everything…was it all a waste of time…why are these so perfect LoL it’s a setup!

Anyway, I am recovering from the depression as I have a new career and can actually begin to put some of what I’m feeling into words though my understanding is far from where I’d like it to be.

So, I’m on “Rain King” and feeling pretty emo.  I need a drink.

“Round here…we don’t look the same.”

No, I think the depression is just distracted by shiny, new buildings. Beautiful, life-changing, game-changing buildings.  I sit, head in hands.  I am not impressed.

“Fasten your seatbelt” the commercial on youtube blares. LoL IKR!!!!

So, I probably won’t even post this bipolar blog entry but either way:

 

God,

This is between me and you.  I still love and adore you regardless, you hold my heart.

But um…who dropped the ball?! Was it me??? Israel?? Patrick?! Geneva?

Why?!?!??!??!?!??!?!??!?!??!?!??!?!??!?  UGH (sigh and cry)

I know I heard you a million times as you confirmed the internship.  The entire time right up to the end (stranded in the desert) I was right there with you, didn’t miss a step.  WHAT HAPPENED?!

I hate to even type this, the tightness warms my nose immediately and I fight back tears because my husband and oldest son sit nearby.  I am finally journaling which is probably healthy but my emotions are RAW.

I thought it would take awhile for me to process everything that transpired in my life since April 9? Azusa Now.

The bitterness takes my breath away at times and I immediately shut down my mind.  I know better than to attempt blame whether outward or inward.  If I allow myself to be still long enough I feel I am still right in the middle of your will.

It doesn’t make sense.

Maybe it never will.

Father, help me to accept that you are good and omniscient! I truly know that you are but I feel if I comprehended it fully then I wouldn’t be heartbroken now.  I would not fear that I missed my calling, my destiny.  I would rest in the fact that your Word says your “gifts and callings are irrevocable.”  You Word is true.

So now I have the best career in the world, next to ministry.  That’s just it…it’s the NEXT best thing to me.  Nevertheless, I will focus and do by best to excel at a career I genuinely enjoy.

I am thankful.

I am confused.

Will we move to Israel?  Will I help establish prayer houses all over the earth?  Has God passed my assignment to someone else?

I am broken but not crushed.

#NeverGiveUp

Be blessed! And since y’all have no idea what I’m talking about I will catch you up on these past few months of roller coaster existence.  (Not that I have any readers LoL)