Archive for January, 2015

It Might Be A New Year But It’s Still The Same Ole Shit

I don’t know how much longer I can make it.  Only God’s grace keeps me sane.  The thought of being locked away in a mental institution, tucked securely in seclusion appeals overwhelmingly to my every sense.

I am weak. I need help. I cannot do this anymore. I know I’m right at the edge of his returning and helping but what will change?  Will this hell ever end?  How can the actions and words of one child adversely affect my mental state so severely?  What’s wrong with me that instead of overcoming the emotions and thoughts tearing at my soul, I am overwhelmed?  How can I hold onto my sanity?

I hardly ever cry.  What’s the point in crying when the presence of tears in such tumultuous circumstances change nothing and collect every insult and disdain.  I do not need others telling me I am weak.  I know it to be true.

I keep repeating myself: Weed is illegal, I quit; smoking is unhealthy, I quit; prescription medication puts me to sleep, I quit; drinking does not help and I hate alcohol.

I long to quit the stress, the mental anguish, the disrespect, the disobedience…

How be any help or example to him when I hate his actions and words?

How can I be patient with him when the force of his self destruction plows through my soul, rendering my intellect and compassion dead.

God, you alone can save this family and our individual souls.

Grateful to serve a miracle working God!