Archive for October, 2014

What She Could’ve Been…with our help

She in silence

Regrets abound

Drown out disease

A world gone down

…and she wanders…

no screams just cries

pointless pondering

familiar lies

she, left for dead

their haughty eyes

now hardly felt

beneath the disguise

partying, sex, drugs of choice

only when numb hears her own voice

more demonic empty cycles,

 inconvenient empty bottles

no longer cherished and adored

discarded, abandoned, ashamed

do you care now

you never did

with your help

she’s become this

and yet…

pointless pondering

what she could’ve been…with our help

((I love you so much, girl! They turned their back on me, too! But God is faithful, hold your head up!))

Get Your Head Out of Your Assets, America!

Rumor Has It…

I’ve heard the rumors…they have these camps all over the United States prepared to take in citizens “in case of a national disaster.”  I’ve read the articles, “guillotines were shipped in” to the secret enclosures and I’ve watched the local newspaper headlines, “Oklahoma’s Sen. Tom Coburn questioned how the Defense Department decides what military equipment to make available to states and localities…” (the Oklahoman).

Rumor has had it for a while that we are in for a big surprise.

I’m writing a book, “Get Your Head Out of Your Assets America!”  Stop constantly focusing on temporal, material matters.

Please people, WAKE UP!

Before the rumors are stomped out by dictatorship, by martial law and injustice.

In the end we have two options:

1)  Run

2)  Stay and trust God to deliver us

If you don’t know God…you better get to know Him super quick because you’re going to need to be led by the Holy Spirit if you or your family want to have a fighting chance at what’s in store in the future for this world. 

And that’s real shit! Just sayin…

(Yea, I know I’m a huge sinner…but I love Jesus even though I cuss like a sailor…good thing He’s not done with me yet!)

The self-righteous and judgemental attitude of the United States is what has led us to this point in history.  We have set the bar for freedom.  Your freedom ends where my rights begin.  Ironically, soon there will be no freedom.  Soon there will be weeping and grinding of teeth from pain and sorrow, from having denied the one, true God and spending eternity alone.

Abba, thank you enough for loving pitiful man enough to send your precious, holy Son, Jesus Christ, to take our sin upon Himself and die on the cross.  Thank you Jesus for going down to the depths of hell and whooping the devil and taking back the keys to the kingdom which he tricked Adam & Eve into giving up years ago.  Thank you, Father, God, for supernaturally raising Jesus from the grave on the 3rd day and bringing Him back to life with your mighty power.  Thank you, Jesus, our brother, for then turning those keys over to mankind once again so that we may run with power, speading the good news of our redemption.  Thank you that you’ve chosen me and drawn me near!  I hear you and I will love and obey you until I die, to the best of my imperfect, human ability.

I am in love with my Creator, with my Savior, Jesus, and with His Spirit, the Holy Spirit, who lives in me and marks me as God’s child.

Today, choose for yourself whom you will serve.  As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!

Even though we are not perfect :)

The Answer is Homeschool

Homeschool

The question is:

How do I wield a necessary level of influence over the education my children receive while acertaining the values and morals instilled in them mirror my own?

Today I’m at peace within myself having, at their request, withdrawn my older children from public school.  We homeschooled in the past and the experience proved one of the most rich and memorable one of our lives.  Recently, I allowed the children to re-enter the public school system, much to my own disgust, in part due to their begging and in part due to well meaning people complaining and judging our schooling preferences.  My 10 year old son and 12 year old daughter were welcomed back to the public school system the first week with a variety of drug offers and sexual advances, not to mention bullying  and racism from both children as well as teachers.  Now it seems, the kids miss homeschool and the honest, purer way of life:  they miss receiving loving instruction from a parent, simple sincerity…and I miss the closeness and connection as well!

How do I ensure the ones I love more than life itself are raised godly, caring and compassionate and nurtured into creative, independent thinkers?

You know the answer.

Resentment Laid to Rest

Here it is…the first visit with my older brother in years and the first one ever in which I walk away feeling so blessed!  We’ve setup another round for tomorrow and instead of dreading seeing him again,  I am so excited to take more memorabilia and continue our visit! 

These are all foreign feelings to me since I, apparently recently, and by the grace of God, healed from old wounds which unbeknownst to him involved him.

It’s like this…with age comes wisdom, thank God!  Sometime within the last year I came to understand that my deep rooted, blood boiling resentment/hatred toward my brother had indeed nothing to do with him whatsoever!  I understood how I’d managed to lift him up in my mind and place him on a pedestal as my male authorative figure, albeit partially due to my mother always having him on a high pedestal.  Nevertheless, it’s wonderfully freeing to graciously let him down from on high and back into my heart unconditionally, especially since he never asked for nor accepted such a lofty position in my life.  However, in my disfunction, pain and lack of male role models, there he was…this bright, strong, intelligent and damn near perfect individual in my life with whom I also constantly, subconsciously competed.  What an interesting array of disfunction indeeed!  Poor guy never had a chance to evade my passionate venom.

I look forward to asking him to forgive me tomorrow for all the years of bitterness I hurled at him.

I love you, Rhett.  We endured the same bullshit together for years and when you got a shot you ran like hell…so did I.  It’s not your fault I was hurting and looked to you as my saviour.  It’s not your fault that when you began driving and I rarely saw you that it broke my heart and nearly ended my life.  And it’s certainly not your fault mom’s heart shattered when you went away leaving me with shards and shells.  I understand now.  You were living your own life to the best of your brilliant ability.  And what an awesome job you did!  We have all been so proud of you!  Even through the abandonement issues I always admitted I was proud of you! 

I was never yours to abandon.  I AM sorry.

From as far back as I can remember…breaking the egg you’d found in the lamp post at the apartments.  I was just curious and didn’t mean to break it; I knew how much you cared about trying to hatch it.  I’m sorry for that…and for all the wrong things I did, said and even thought about or towards you over the years.

You’re an amazing person and you turned out repectful, honest, and loyal.  The world desperatly needs more honorable men like you!  I am blessed to have you as my brother. 

Thank you for all you’ve ever done for me…as far back as helping me sneak out the window without getting eaten by the pitbull in the backyard of Gary’s house…all the way up to tonight when you offered me gas money five times because you thought I was just being proud.  No, I really don’t need the money but I came to understand on the long ride home that I did need to hear you caring and loving me enough to offer again and again.  Bless you for being you! 

And remember, always, God put you here for a reason…you are so special and loved by Him!

(Mom still expects us to meet her when our job here is done)

PS

You’re one of my three living heroes,

the other two are probably in the room with you as you’re reading this :)

Ahhh…hit the restart button

Yea, I did that.  It’s been quite awhile and I’ve been through quite alot…too bad I can’t go through it here!  There’s a reason I’m typing up all my writings into one, ginormous book…or a couple regular sized books.

Exhale

Dear Future Desi,

Will you ever get your shit together?

Will you always be a looper in this shitty, hellish cycle?

I know all the lines, I know the scriptures and I’ve tasted the same bullshit, salty tears my entire fucking life

i am so done with political correctness

i am done with giving two shits what people think

i am damn near done, big picture

but i digress

i hold on…lol…like the country song says

because He makes me, He strengthens me and upholds me when I cannot and DO NOT want to hold my own head up or lift my own eyes up

He catches me…when I’ve jumped to my grave mentally, spiritually and sometimes physically

as much as i want to tell you that we have entirely free choice

Some He lets walk away, never to look back

and some He never lets walk away.

but thank you Abba…never, ever let me go…PLEASE

becasue as shitty and hopeless as i feel at times

could NEVER compare to being truly without your love and presence.

help me, help them

that’s all that matters

Father, if you will, once more….

hit the restart button.